so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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