omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
