My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
