I am spending my child support on dildos
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
