3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
