My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
