i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize