she woke up with a sticky ear
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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