I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
