the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
