Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
