please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Randomize
