Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
