What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
