I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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