I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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