1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
