Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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