im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
