I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
