So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
