Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
smell my finger.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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