After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
