he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
