She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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