Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
