this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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