sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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