OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
