Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
