He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize