I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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