That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
