Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
