tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
