everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
