Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
