the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
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