She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
