i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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