When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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