i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize