OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
