So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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