Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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