Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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