I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
