Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
