I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
