idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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