My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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