I'm so fucking centered right now
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
