textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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