just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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