Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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