I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
So squirting runs in the family.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
