My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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