I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize