I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
