how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
