i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
