I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
