I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
