Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
