I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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