How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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