tonight lets celebrate not being married
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I lost the right to judge tonight
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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