His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
