I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
