Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
